Expecting no empathy/sympathy, this note is just a reminder for people to meet their families. A short summary of how things broke for me:

Summer '19 As I was planning to go to the US for my PhD, I felt that my father's health was fragile. There was no medical emergency but just this feeling held me back in India.

Sep '20 My much-awaited PhD started. My father's health touched a new low (Depression + something like what John Nash had). Covid lockdown left us with no options but to contact a local doctor for him.

Sep '21 After a taxing year (of multiple paper rejections, frequent health+family issues, covid quarantine, messed-up compre), Google gave me new hope... but the best was yet to come. As I called my mother to share about my fellowship, I got to know that my father recovered. We enjoyed so much on the call that day. He laughed his heart out.

Jan '22-Jan '23 The story of paper rejections continued but this time it was way more stressful because a Google Fellow was about to enter 4th year with 0 papers.

Apr '23 My maternal grandmother (72), complaining of mere back pain & fever, was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer. Her chemo made things worse, even resulting in a heart attack.

Jun '23 I finished a submission & went to meet my grandmother. She had almost become a skeleton. She woke up, saw me & started crying. I gave her the Cranberry juice (unavailable in our town), which I brought from Hyd after pleading the airport security personnel.

6.6.23 The night before my return, my father asked me to sleep beside him. When I woke up on the 6th morning, I felt very strongly that there was something about that moment. I paused to think but couldn't figure it out then (& later, it turned out to be the last minutes I spent with him.)

Jul '23 My father's illness returned. Given that he had recovered once, people at home were not too stressed this time & asked me to stay back on campus. I decided to stay back given the pressure of being in 4th year with 0 papers. I was simultaneously trying to manage my brother who had his own set of issues & his friends were calling me for help from his hostel.

Aug '23 My grandmother almost regained her strength, which seemed a victory for our family fighting against her cancer. But soon, I got to know that my father's health hadn't improved. I thought of working from home. My mother & my uncle convinced me that the medicines were the only way. Further, due to some communal riots, our town's internet was cut, which left me with no option but to stay on campus. I stayed back on campus & started arranging for more reliable doctors to treat him.

1.9.23 The month I was eagerly waiting for finally arrived. I remember sending a 'Happy September' GIF on our family WhatsApp group. After all, when we were in a similar situation in '20-'21', it was September that brought all the good news.

3.9.23 My father picked up my video call. He didn't talk, but I was at the top of the world just by seeing him. I thought the September magic had indeed worked.

8.9.23 I got to know that my father had stopped eating. While this was told to me in a rather casual manner, I decided to take a break from my PhD until his recovery. I had a TMLR & an ICLR submission planned. I decided to go home in a week after setting the experiments.

10.9.23 My father spoke to me for the last time. It was a heartbreaking thing that he told me & after that, I decided to go home & talk directly.

11.9.23 I told my mother that I was coming home the next day. She told me to wait as she planned to take my father to the hospital in another city. I told her that I could directly come there, instead of coming home. She insisted that I wait for about a week. I agreed. Until then, I was under the impression that it would be some regular checkup.

12.9.23 [7 am] I video-called. My father seemed to be lying asleep in the car, being taken to the hospital. My mother said that he might get admitted. My mother did not share more details. I was clueless about what had happened suddenly. How could someone in depression (with no suicidal tendencies) be admitted?

12.9.23 [10 am] My mother told that the CT-scan was going on & she would call me after one hour.

12.9.23 [3 pm] After getting no calls, I video called again. I had a poor network connection & the hazy video made me think that the person standing beside my mother was my father. I felt so relieved. As I was about to ask my mother to give him the phone, she told me that they had admitted him to the ICU. It was then that she shared some details of what had happened. A medicine that was given to him on the 10th night made him unresponsive. Those words left me with nothing (same till date). Although I had not imagined then how far things would go, just the thought of him being in the ICU devastated me.
My father was not the one closest to me, but he was the one I was the most protective of. When I was a kid & my aunt wanted to tease me, she used to fool me by saying that she would mix something in his tea. I would then remain so anxious for the whole day & on his 1st sight in the evening; I would run to him, asking him not to drink the tea. He would only smile, being aware of the plot. Most of my anxious BTech days were only because of his health. & When I had the chance to pursue my dream PhD from the US, I stayed back JUST for him.

13.9.23 [11 am] I reached the hospital on the earliest flight. I then got to know he had not gained consciousness & had now been shifted to the ventilator. My mother was alone in the hospital.

13.9.23 [11.30 am] The visiting hour started. He was lying unconscious. His BP was around 100/89, pulse rate 98. About 20 yrs ago, he only took me to one of his patients & taught me about these ratings. I was confident that he would wake up the moment he heard me; after all, he was the most excited whenever I used to come home. I bent close to his face & called him from the deepest core within me. He gave no response. I stared in disbelief. A few months prior to this, he was asking me to come home every month. I denied it then, but this time I indeed had no plans of returning back to campus. I just wanted to look after him. I said, "Look, I am here. I won't return this time". The doctor calmly told us about his improvement but also shared the need for dialysis. My father's own student came to do his dialysis, which gave us some assurance.

13.9.23 [3.30 pm] After the visiting hours, I was asked to stay outside the ICU. All of a sudden, the doctor called me & said that there were extremely low chances of his survival as his heart rate had started plummeting fast. My mother went into denial mode. I felt strangulated, unable to breathe.

13.9.23 [5.30 pm] The doctor convinced us that he was no more. I went in for the 2nd time. There was a bold red-colored 0 on the heart rate monitor. I held his hand for one last time, which I couldn't do in the morning, due to all instruments which were attached.
*(some more excruciating things that I choose to skip.)*

3.12.23 My grandmother succumbed to cancer. Our family's 8-month battle, which we seemed to have won in Aug, came to an end, sweeping off many more things that we never imagined.

@Now, I either miss my father (state-1) or I miss him inconsolably (state-2). Things/people/places often trigger the transition from state-1 to state-2 (like all my life, I used to say that my father looked like Anil Kapoor & now when YouTube recommends 'Papa meri jaan' or 'Sari duniya' casting Anil Kapoor as a father, I get triggered to transition). Except for missing him, I absolutely have lost all other feelings & emotions. I somehow have some elements of curiosity left in me that drive my research projects.
It took me months to again appreciate those bounds/proofs which I was once so crazy about. However, the helplessness I felt in the ICU that day re-ignited my vision for Tech-in-Healthcare.

Update: [18.01.24] triggered the 1st healing process in me when I had an impromptu 10 s conversation with HG Amogh Lila Prabhu. Then the night of [12.02.24] was when Roopam Saxena's punchline hit me, "Your father now lives within you. Do you want to keep him in a sad place?". I started responding to life better after this. No interests left, but a few things to look up to.